Surviving Writing — Great Responses to Those Irritating Questions/Comments
Your partner’s uncle doesn’t care if you’re an author, and he wants to make that clear to you without saying it plainly. Or it could be a colleague. Or your dentist. It doesn’t matter: if you’re an author, you’ve been in these irritating social situations. There is a certain type of person who takes your status as an author as some sort of self-declaration of your intellectual superiority. They think you think you’re hot stuff. There are a series of common questions that get asked, common remarks that get made, and you squirm as you try for the umpteenth time to come up with an answer that doesn’t make you shrivel up inside and cry. And whilst we’re all tempted to give the Alan Partridge response…
…there are better ways to respond, especially if the dentist is about to put a syringe near your mouth. So, I present you a few stock responses you can provide. It is obvious I am not a genius, and I am not an experienced public speaker; but everything I learnt I learnt from doing this wrong. So, before I write “so” one more time, let’s start with the big one…
“What do you do?”
If you’re confident saying you’re an author, go with that. But I know it can make you feel like a fraud when you’re paying your rent another way. So, I tend to go for “I’m a(n) [job title] by day, and an [author/writer] by night”. Un-parsed this might come out as “I’m an IT Technician by day, and an author by night.” Answering this way makes it clear you know your place, but it’s also playful, pointing out your dual identity (like a vigilante or a cat-burglar) and suggesting that if they are really asking what you do, not how you pay your rent, then what you do is write.
“Self-published?” said in a way that obviously means “I’m not impressed.”
In this situation it’s tempting to try and explain why self-publishing is great, and make it clear that you have chosen to self-publish and that you could totally be published by Random House if you wanted to but that would stifle your creative expression (see previous article I have written). Instead you need to make it clear that you don’t care whether they are impressed or not, by giving them a wry grin and adding something self-deprecating but also obviously sarcastic such as “oh yes, I’m not a proper writer,” that makes it clear you’re playing along with their small-minded prejudice. The important thing is to give the impression that you don’t give a flying flip what they think about you.
“How’s the writing going?”
This is the most common piece of smalltalk used by people (normally nice people) who remember that you’re a writer and want to give you a little ego-boost. They are not really interested in your answer, if they were they would have asked you something specific, so it’s always good to give a self-deprecating answer such as “Yeah, good. The writing always goes fine, it’s the selling that’s the difficult part.” They’ll nod and feel sympathetic, and they might even feel encouraged to help you out by buying a copy.
“I saw you[’ve written a book/have a new book out]. How’s it going?”
It’s always awkward when people ask you how your books are selling because you don’t know what constitutes success in their eyes. Some people are impressed with ten sales, some aren’t impressed by a thousand. So, if they mention sales in particular add a caveat such as “for me it’s not about sales, it’s about how people respond to it” and then give the real answer: “people seem to be responding to it really well” which is a great way of saying nothing and a lot at the same time, and if you’re forced to elaborate you can define success in your own terms (getting a nice email from a reader, a great review, speaking to someone who has enjoyed it).
“I read your book. I didn’t really like it.”
Here you need to make it clear that them not liking it is a good thing for you, but without making it personal. Something along the lines of “That’s ok, it’s definitely not for everyone. I think the most interesting books are the ones that split people down the middle.” This response also subtly suggests that plenty of other people like your book.
“Why is your book so [violent/full of swearing/full of sex]?”
Here you need to decide whether to give the serious answer or the more flippant answer, defending on your audience, so I present two alternatives. Serious answer: “Because they are a part of life, especially the exciting and dangerous parts of life, which is what I want to write about. I would be lying to the reader if I didn’t include them, and if I’m going to do that there’s no point in writing the book at all.” But if the person is not going to care about that and is simply trying to one-up you in front of your family at Christmas dinner, or to tar you as a sadist or a pervert, then go for the flippant response: “I know that for some people it’s a lot of [violence/swearing/sex], but for others it’s tame. I guess it depends how sheltered your life is.” This way you make sure to position them as a prude; basically: it’s their problem, not yours.
“Have you [been to the obscure place your book is set/spent time with a real-life version of a person in your book]?”
In the case of my recent book, The Benevolent Dictator, this place would be the Middle East. I was planning to go, but realised I did not have the money and would probable get little out of it since I wouldn’t be able to get inside the type of palaces where the book is set. Therefore I have a serious answer that you can also use even if you’ve just been lazy: “I was planning to, but I decided against it. I didn’t want to write one of those books that’s bogged down in detail, instead I wanted to make sure I focussed on the [characters/story/themes], since they are what the book is really about.” This works for a variety of irritating questions where people seek to prove you are not knowledgeable or worthy enough to do your subject justice.
“My [friend/uncle/masseuse] was thinking of writing a book.”
This is something that comes up a lot. It’s either because the person is not interested in you, or because they want to make it clear they think you are nothing special. The only correct response here is “they should!” said very enthusiastically. Anything else betrays your desperate desire to destroy all other authors so that your books are the only choice people have. If the person is being arsey you can always add something like “I think everyone could write at least one good book” because this clearly separates you (the serious professional) from this desperate amateur. But only do this if you have written more than one book, obviously.
“My [friend/uncle/masseuse] [has written a book/writes books].”
Again, you should always be enthusiastic, never defensive. Ask what their name is, what the book is called, where you can buy it, what it is about. Keep going until they can’t answer any more and you’ll give the impression that you would far rather talk about their book than your own because you are a self-confident and generous author who doesn’t need to convince this person to buy your book. For a shorter version, start by asking if they’ve read the book; if they haven’t, the conversation is over because why should you care if they don’t?
“My [book club/WI group/local library] are having a thing, you should bring some of your books to sell.”
This always conjures up the depressing image of standing at a table laden with unsold books (that you’ve had to pay for) whilst people look on you with pity. And don’t get me wrong, this is the most likely outcome. So, if you’re willing to go through that, the way to say yes is “if you think they’ll be interested”, thereby putting the onus on them, followed by “I’d love to speak to your [book club/WI group/local library], but it’s probably best if I talk about the writing and self-publishing process.” That way selling will just be an added bonus, and you won’t have failed if no one buys anything. If you want to say no, just “I’d love to, but I’m deep into writing at the moment and can’t spare any time.” That way they’ll just chalk up your reluctance to you being an arty, eccentric bohemian, which in turn will probably make them more likely to buy your book. After all, no one wants to buy a book written by an accountant (no offense to accountants).
And there you have it, I hope these are a help. If you’ve experienced any of these questions/comments, or want to provide your solutions to other problems, please let me know on Twitter @tjtrott, Facebook @tomtrottbooks, or contact me through my website tomtrott.com and together we will defeat our partner’s uncles!
An earlier version of this article appeared on Dash Fan Book Reviews
